Dear Catherine,

This is a few weeks over due but I've been waiting for a chance where I have enough time to sit down and say what I really wanna say.

As of today it has been three weeks since you and Andrew died and since the moment I found out there's been about a million things going through my head, and most of them are just things that I wanted to say to you and that I want you to know.

First and foremost, you and I both know this is not the first time I've addressed you in a blog, and even though you forgave me, I haven't forgiven myself for the mean shit that I said. I felt awful about it even when you were alive, but now that you're gone I feel like the worst person in the world for putting you on blast like I did. I have no right to call you my friend and yet you hardly let me apologize before you forgave me. It was a really shitty thing I did and I almost feel like somehow there was something at work because I feel like if you hadn't died, if you weren't gonna go early, you wouldn't have forgiven me. I just want you to know how truly sorry I am for the shit I said about you and I want you to know that I really didn't think that about you, and all it says about you is that you're a fucking fantastic person for even speaking to me again. Even though I know I didn't deserve it, I cannot tell you how glad I am that you did.

I also want to thank you for a bunch of things. First and foremost, for giving me your best friend. You really don't know what you did for me in that respect. I've told you before but I'll say it again - I owe everything to you, because you know how long I'd liked her and I was about to give up when you spilled the beans that she liked me too. That was over a year and a half ago and it's been a really incredibly happy year and a half for me with her and it's because of you. I also want to tell you how sorry I am that I kind of hogged her for the rest of your life after that, and I'd give anything to be able to give my time with Courtney to you. If there was any justice in the world, and someone had to go, it should have been me instead of you, because while boyfriends come and go, you would have been there for Courtney forever. She loves you so much more than you will ever imagine. I know you might not have been able to see it the last year and a half that I've been dating her because we got kind of caught up but she spoke so highly of you. You really were her other half.

I also want to thank you for putting up with my bullshit. Not just the mean blog, but all the times I called you and just bitched about whatever petty fight I was having with Courtney. I hope you do know that I enjoyed talking to you about other things; in all honesty I enjoyed talking about random shit with you a hundred times more than I ever enjoyed dumping my problems on you and I hope I didn't do that too much. I really am glad that you called me all those times you were bored and had nothing better to do. I'm not going to sit here and bullshit and say we were best friends because that would be an insult to you and I don't want to be one of those kids. But you said it and I feel the same - I considered you a good friend. And maybe it's because you had already called Richard or Joanie or Courtney and none of them answered or they were busy and I was the last person on your list who happened to be able to talk that you wound up calling me. That's probably the case, and I don't care - I'm still glad you did.

I also want you to know that I don't hold the whole "giving you rides" thing against you. I really don't. I was an asshole about it, I know, and I'm sorry I was. (Although in my defense, commie, you shouldn't have walked places when you knew you wouldn't feel like walking back - or when you knew you wouldn't be coming back till midnight, when you ran the high risk of being raped by shady Mexicans.) I'm not going to sit here and bullshit because at the time, yeah, it was a little inconvenient to drive you around but looking back, I would do anything to give you another ride somewhere. Anywhere. Fuck, I'd drive you back to Russia and Courtney would come with if it meant I could see you again and tell you what an asshole I am.

I also want you to know that I really hope you like the things that are going on for you these days. Maybe it's only because you're gone now but I like to think that somehow you can see us and that you saw what we did at the crash site. I hope you appreciated us blowing up the pumpkin with fireworks and getting the cops called on us and one of your own teachers lying to help cover it up. I hope you're going to appreciate the show we're playing for you; I hope we don't accidentally play a song that you fucking hated or that you find it all incredibly lame. You probably do, but tough shit. We need to do it for us almost as much as we do for you.

I can't promise this letter is going to stay the same as it is when I post it because I know I'm gonna remember more shit that I need to say but I think this will do for the time being. For now, just know that I miss you and, more than that, how much Courtney misses you.

Rest in peace, sister.