Christmas Update

So all in all, not a bad Baby Jebus Birthday at all. I feel like I gave some real good presents, and I definitely got some good stuff too. New electro-acoustic guitar (Washburn), a new PS2 to replace my broken one (rest in peace, soldier), Stephen Colbert's book I Am America (And You Can Too!), a NIN poster, Pulp Fiction on DVD, Lost Season 3 on DVD, a subscription to Rolling Stone, and from my beloved girlfriend, an actual working R2-D2. No major conflict, although my dad was a bit of a dick. I'm pretty much excusing anything he does to me this year - not just because he bought me a guitar, but because it's the first Christmas my parents have been separated and it's rough on the guy.

So now that I've had a good, solid Christmas, maybe I won't hate it so much next (year.

Maybe.

If the phrase "Merry Christmas" offends you...

First of all, Merry Christmas.

I want to remind you that I don't even really like Christmas all that much (although I'm liking this one, gift-wise) but since I enjoy pissing people off, and for some reason using the phrase "Merry Christmas" does that these days, I'm posting this. I'm tired of this new hippie horse shit about not using the phrase "Merry Christmas" because it might offend someone. Fact: Christmas is a holiday. Whether you believe in the religious aspects associated with it is entirely irrelevant. Someone that argues against that might as well be arguing against the existence of Tuesday. When I say "Merry Christmas," I am not in any way forcing or even suggesting anything religious upon you, and I'm willing to bet that neither is anyone else, you paranoid fuck. (For the record, I don't have any strong belief to force in the first place - I celebrate Christmas in a more general sense, i.e. buying people shit and trying to be marginally less of an asshole.) No, there are no hidden subtexts - when I say "Merry Christmas" (which, by the way, almost never happens unless I am consciously aware that it will piss you off somehow) I mean exactly that - have a nice day and week on and around December 25, whether you celebrate Christmas or not. How dare I offend you by wishing you to have a nice day.

So once again: Merry Christmas, and if that offends you, tough shit.

Fuck Guitar Hero and fuck you for playing it.

So I was at a party tonight, where everyone was playing Rock Band (obviously an advanced incarnation of Guitar Hero) on the 360. I'll admit, I played it too, more out of curiosity and also to prove that I'm not a total fucking idiot. But you know what? Only fucking idiots play that game. I'll excuse musicians who can play it (although why they'd waste their time on that when they know how to actually play, I don't know) but it very nearly sickens me how many average-joe dumbasses play this game. Why the fuck would you mash four buttons in sequence in front of a screen with a limited number of songs when you could actually pick up a real guitar, learn to play, and do something constructive with your time? I'm a musician and it pisses me off to no end how I can't play a goddamn thing on Guitar Hero, but I can play that exact song, specifically, perfectly in real life. Look, I love video games too. But I prefer to spend my time playing games of stuff that I can't possibly (or plausibly) do in real life - like blowing shit up*, shooting aliens in their faces, jumping around magical worlds collecting coins and killing the enemy just by jumping on his head, stealing people's cars and then running them over with them. The other thing that boggles the mind is how much this shit costs. For not much more, you could get an actual guitar (albeit kind of a shitty one) to start yourself out, so you can't argue costs on this either. Sweet merciful crap, people are stupid.

*Okay, so I have done that in real life. But in my defense, it's been a long time since I've needed to dispose of an air conditioning unit.

Is it wrong that I'm laughing at Jamie Lynn?

After I found out that Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's sixteen year old sister) got knocked up, my initial reaction was not one of sympathy, or outrage, but just plain laughter. Maybe I'm cynical, but since it's a spoiled Hollywood brat who I'm willing to bet the family's net worth does not sense at all that the rules might apply to her, it's hard to have any sympathy. This is what we call the karma train, and it just slammed into the Spears family (again) at 120mph. (Sorry.) I just hope that poor kid goes up for adoption, because after witnessing the Spears family, I'm convinced that horrible parenting is genetic.

Look at me, doing absolutely nothing.

It feels good to not have jack shit to do. For the last month and a half I have constantly had something that I needed to be doing, and even though I definitely was not always doing that something, it feels good just to have the pressure lifted and be able to relax. Ahhh.

Speaking of Tool...

While I'm enjoying my "cram Tool down people's throats" phase, I thought it was worth mentioning that Tool (finally) released the video for "Vicarious" today. A full year and a half after the song and album actually came out, this is still only the first video off 10,000 Days. Congratulations, guys, you're a bunch of lazy fucks. (I kid, they've been tour for like a year.) Anyways, the video is fucking rad and very trippy and you should watch it because I told you to.

Track of the Week: Wings For Marie

Double-whammy track of this week this week. Not only do you get two tracks, but you get about fifteen minutes worth of music because one of them is long-ish and one of them is just plain long. These two songs, which I really like to think of as one, are by Tool and are collectively called "Wings For Marie." The song, off their most recent album, 10,000 Days, is written for Maynard James Keenan's mother, who was paralyzed for 30 years (roughly 10,000 days) until she died, and the song is about her struggle and her faith. It's powerful, it's beautiful, it's trancelike, and despite being about fifteen minutes long put together, it doesn't get boring for a second. Easily one of the best songs I've heard in a long time.

»Download: Wings For Marie Pt. 1 & 2

Two valuable lessons I learned at the movies tonight.

I learned two very valuable lessons at the movie theater tonight, and here they are right now.

1. I Am Legend didn't suck.
The zombies/infected people looked like shit, but other than that it was a solid movie. One of Will Smith's less obnoxious roles. Post-apocalyptic New York looked really realistic. So I guess overall, I wasn't pissed that I let my girlfriend pay for this movie.

2. Heath Ledger is going to be a kick-ass Joker.
There was a trailer for The Dark Knight with I Am Legend that shows Heath Ledger as the new Joker in all his lunatic glory and he looks like he's just going to be fucking awesome. This is keeping in mind that I'm not even a huge Batman fan and I still had an erection watching the trailer. It looks like they're going to have the character be a complete psycho, the way Joker is supposed to be. And I had my doubts about Ledger as Joker, but let them forever be erased. Observe.

How these lessons are the least bit valuable is something that I leave up to you to figure out. I just thought I'd share my knowledge.

Give the writers whatever it is that they want!

I need to get out into the air that I'm a television addict. I also need to get out into the air that I'm a good television addict, which means I don't watch horseshit. Which is exactly what is about to dominate my TV if the writers and the studios don't get their asses in gear and reach some kind of resolution to the writer's strike that's been going on the last month or so. I basically keep checking websites eight times a day to make sure there isn't a headline that says one of these two things: a) "Studios Decide Not To Fuck Over The Little Guys For Once," or, b) "Writers Done Bitching; Return To Jobs." Now, I know that the writers are justified in their strike, because, as always, the big studios are boning people out of they're due. But honest to God, I don't particularly care what happens, as long as Lost and Heroes and The Office come back on and they're still good. I don't want to be stuck with reality shows for eternity. I don't want large gaps in shows to kill interest in them and thus ratings and thus the shows themselves. If I walk into the room and find someone watching America's Next Top Model again, someone's going to die. It might be you.

So please, corporate assholes, give the writers whatever it is that they want. I understand that they want residuals from DVD and online (i.e. iTunes) sales. I'm not sure quite what residuals are, but give them plenty of those. Shit, give each writer a Chevy Tahoe filled with koalas just for good measure; some people think they're already extinct anyway (or at least I do.) But for the love of fuck, give me my good TV back, you greedy sumbitches.

A sigh of relief.

As of last night, after having finished playing the Rock For Catherine show, I can officially say that the majority of my large, looming burdens have been lifted. I'm done with school till January, no shows to prepare for - I'm ready to just relax. This has been about the roughest month ever for me and I'm glad to put it behind me. Thankfully the show was a success; people seemed to really be glad that we did it and I hope we made things a little easier on anyone who has been affected by Catherine's death. Last night I brought home a bottle of my favorite root beer (Barq's), crawled into bed, turned out the light, turned on the fan, twisted the cap and breathed a very long-awaited sigh of relief.

And the morals of the story are...

A few hardly-useful things I've learned in the last few days:

1. Stop fucking procrastinating.
2. If someone asks you to make an hour-plus-long trip in the midst of finals and a show, tell them you have NO FUCKING TIME.
3. If it's 80 degrees outside, you can probably wait another week to decorate the tree.
4. MediaFire is awesome.
5. American History X is a GOOD MOVIE.
6. Never, EVER, under ANY circumstances, go to 2girls1cup.com, even if someone has a gun to your head. Trust me, you'd rather die.
7. If your shoes smell like old ass with skunk meat, put baking soda in them overnight and vacuum them out in the morning. Works like a charm.
8. Anyone who spends time updating a blog that no one even reads in the first place when they've got a million other important things to do should have the words "Dumb Fuck" branded onto their forehead. (Oh, wait.)
   

Track of the Week: Hurt (ReAct Now)

In the first of what I'm thinking should be a weekly thing to entice people to read my shit, I'm going to start posting a new song for download every Monday, hopefully a good one that will stick with you through the week.

This week's download is a live version of the Nine Inch Nails song, "Hurt." (For the record, I will slay the next dumbass who thinks that the Johnny Cash version is the original. Reznor wrote the original "Hurt" that came out in 1994 and Cash's cover didn't come out until 2002 - check here or here, fuckwad.) The version you're downloading was performed solo by NIN front man Trent Reznor at a Hurricane Katrina benefit concert called ReAct Now. Anyone that knows me knows what an enormous NIN fan I am, and this stripped-down, piano-and-vocals-only version of "Hurt" is hands down my favorite version of the song. It's really quite beautiful. There's also a video of the performance on YouTube.

»Download: Trent Reznor - Hurt (ReAct Now).mp3

Almost there...

Feeling really wiped right now. I took an algebra final that I can probably hope for a C at best on, I have four more finals this week, and I have a shitload of practicing to do for Rock For Catherine on Friday. Ah, but come Friday night all the weight will be lifted and I can finally fucking relax for the first time in about a month. Damn, won't it feel good to put an end to what has easily been the most eventful and stressful month of my life thus far (henceforth known as Shitty Month.)

Anyways, ha - I am capable of a short post.

This is the time of year I want you to choke.

I'll go ahead and file this under Rants but I'll make it shorter and more concise for all of our sakes. Actually it's really for my sake; I don't care about making you read but I need to keep it short so as not to burst a blood vessel in my eye.

Christmas annoys the piss out of me. On paper, I love the concept: A joyous time of year where everyone gets along and shows good will to one another - who wouldn't love that? But in execution, things are a lot different. In execution there are hundreds staggeringly obnoxious Christmas songs playing on repeat in every public place and on most radio stations. There are about four times as many TV ads as you need there to be, reminding you that you have to buy shit for people.

All of that, I can handle. What makes me want to turn into Godzilla and breathe fire upon the earth are the stores. The goddamned stores. You can't walk into a Target anywhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially those last two weeks, and still be able to breathe. You have to wade through an army of pushing, shoving, menstrual soccer moms who will knock over a woman with a broken back or run over a puppy (I've seen both of these things happen) so they can make their evil, thankless children even more spoiled than they already are. Two years ago, I saw some middle-aged couple literally run over some poor, stupid dog who ran into the street. The little guy just bolted into the street and got knocked around under their SUV and the assholes drove away pretending nothing happened. Ah, isn't that just the magic of Christmas?

Bah fuckin' humbug; pass the gifts.

NINJA CRISIS: The Answer To All Your Problems

There are some things in this world that don't piss me off, and one of them is my very good buddy Benjamin. Ben so happens to be my cousin, although I tend to think of him as more of a brother.

I feel it prudent to mentnion that none of this has anything to do with Ben's repeated attempts to teabag me in my sleep.

Ben and I are renowned for the stupid shit we do together, and you will hear about all of those things in due time. At length. Until you kick yourself in the eyeball. Amongst the things that we have discovered is the solution to all of life's problems, whisked away in one single moment of awesome ass-beatery. It is called

NINJA CRISIS!!!!

Simply put, a Ninja Crisis is where you and one other person go into a room, scream "NINJA CRISIS!!!!" at the top of your lungs, and beat the living shit out of each other.

Some people may compare it to sparring. Sparring is light-contact, and doesn't involve anyone getting the crap beat out of them. So it's not that. Some people may argue that it's a lot like Fight Club. I'll admit, on paper, it may seem like Fight Club, but there's some key differences. First of all, you're allowed to tell people about Ninja Crisis, whereas in the case of Fight Club this would be breaking a cardinal rule. Despite this, however, it is not a club. It must involve only two people; the people you are telling, you are instructing to try this on their own time, but never to interrupt your crisis.

The other important thing you should know is that I just lied about Ninja Crisis solving all your problems. It actually solves none of them, and more often than not, does nothing to make you feel better even in the short term, especially when you're getting your ass kicked like I usually do. Or being bitch-slapped so hard you momentarily black out, like I usually am. Or being sat on and forced to eat your cousins rotten-egg farts, like I usually am. If you're the one ruining someone's shit, I suppose it may make you feel pretty cool for the time being, but you get over that pretty quickly once you realize that you just beat the shit out of a six year old and feel like kind of an asshole. I'd say it helps build character, but it doesn't really do that either. No, Ninja Crisis is pretty much useless unless you're me or Ben, and even then, still pretty useless.

But we are still pitching the idea to the TV networks. I'll get back to you on how that turns out.

Fuck crunk music.

One of my favorite things to rant about these days is shitty music, and in particular, crunk music and America's infuriating obsession with it.

I want to make one thing clear right out of the gate, and that is that I love hip hop. It takes real talent to pull off hip hop well; and sadly more people have a record deal than talent deserving of one. But what I'm referring to here can't legitimately be called hip hop; in fact, it can't legitimately be called anything but horse shit.

I'm struggling to find words to express how aggravating it is when I'm walking on campus or I'm at a red light or I'm in a parking lot and I hear some zombie driving around with this crap blasting out of his speakers with so much bass that it sounds like he's got a bitch locked in his trunk. I'm not one of those ignorant fucks who says all hip hop sounds the same. That's a childish and uninformed statement, but I mean it when I say that all crunk music really does sound the same. It's the same generic beats manufactured from the same 808 kits, with the same uninspired lyrics completely devoid of meaning or substance, from the same industry stooges like the asshole pictured above. (For those of you fortunate enough to be unfamiliar, that's Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, the latest turd to be crapped from the anus that is the modern hip hop industry.) Hell, next to no one even tries to actually rap anymore, and most of the few who do, fail miserably at it.

I would almost say that hip hop has been dumbed-down, but that's a misleading statement, because to me "dumbed-down" implies that someone is stooping beneath his intellectual level to reach a certain demographic. But "dumbed-down" is not appropriate here because no one involved with this shit could possibly have the intelligence or artistic integrity God typically bestows upon a sofa cushion. I'll tell you what: bring me proof of any kind of artistic value in the phrase "Supaman dat hoe" and I will delete this blog.

I usually conclude my rants about shitty hip hop by encouraging people to listen to good hip hop. Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Common, The Roots. Someone with something to say, or at the very least, talent. Even Kanye, who's not great (good, but not great) is leaps and bounds above just about all other mainstream hip hop. I've seen response to criticism of people like Soulja Boy, and it usually reads, "y u be hatin on soulja boy bitch when his new albm drop he gon be off da hook an all da hatas gon be on his shit peace we$t $ide 4eva," and to that I really can't do anything but nearly piss myself laughing, because such comments really speak for themselves and the kind of idiots who are dumb enough buy into shit like this in the first place. And before anyone says it, because we're all thinking it, I'm fully aware that I'm white and that that alone takes away whatever credibility I may have had to begin with, but I don't care. Music is music, and I love music, and all I'm doing is expanding my musical horizons; challenging myself. I challenge you to do the same.

»Download: 4 GOOD Hip Hop Songs

Dear Catherine,

This is a few weeks over due but I've been waiting for a chance where I have enough time to sit down and say what I really wanna say.

As of today it has been three weeks since you and Andrew died and since the moment I found out there's been about a million things going through my head, and most of them are just things that I wanted to say to you and that I want you to know.

First and foremost, you and I both know this is not the first time I've addressed you in a blog, and even though you forgave me, I haven't forgiven myself for the mean shit that I said. I felt awful about it even when you were alive, but now that you're gone I feel like the worst person in the world for putting you on blast like I did. I have no right to call you my friend and yet you hardly let me apologize before you forgave me. It was a really shitty thing I did and I almost feel like somehow there was something at work because I feel like if you hadn't died, if you weren't gonna go early, you wouldn't have forgiven me. I just want you to know how truly sorry I am for the shit I said about you and I want you to know that I really didn't think that about you, and all it says about you is that you're a fucking fantastic person for even speaking to me again. Even though I know I didn't deserve it, I cannot tell you how glad I am that you did.

I also want to thank you for a bunch of things. First and foremost, for giving me your best friend. You really don't know what you did for me in that respect. I've told you before but I'll say it again - I owe everything to you, because you know how long I'd liked her and I was about to give up when you spilled the beans that she liked me too. That was over a year and a half ago and it's been a really incredibly happy year and a half for me with her and it's because of you. I also want to tell you how sorry I am that I kind of hogged her for the rest of your life after that, and I'd give anything to be able to give my time with Courtney to you. If there was any justice in the world, and someone had to go, it should have been me instead of you, because while boyfriends come and go, you would have been there for Courtney forever. She loves you so much more than you will ever imagine. I know you might not have been able to see it the last year and a half that I've been dating her because we got kind of caught up but she spoke so highly of you. You really were her other half.

I also want to thank you for putting up with my bullshit. Not just the mean blog, but all the times I called you and just bitched about whatever petty fight I was having with Courtney. I hope you do know that I enjoyed talking to you about other things; in all honesty I enjoyed talking about random shit with you a hundred times more than I ever enjoyed dumping my problems on you and I hope I didn't do that too much. I really am glad that you called me all those times you were bored and had nothing better to do. I'm not going to sit here and bullshit and say we were best friends because that would be an insult to you and I don't want to be one of those kids. But you said it and I feel the same - I considered you a good friend. And maybe it's because you had already called Richard or Joanie or Courtney and none of them answered or they were busy and I was the last person on your list who happened to be able to talk that you wound up calling me. That's probably the case, and I don't care - I'm still glad you did.

I also want you to know that I don't hold the whole "giving you rides" thing against you. I really don't. I was an asshole about it, I know, and I'm sorry I was. (Although in my defense, commie, you shouldn't have walked places when you knew you wouldn't feel like walking back - or when you knew you wouldn't be coming back till midnight, when you ran the high risk of being raped by shady Mexicans.) I'm not going to sit here and bullshit because at the time, yeah, it was a little inconvenient to drive you around but looking back, I would do anything to give you another ride somewhere. Anywhere. Fuck, I'd drive you back to Russia and Courtney would come with if it meant I could see you again and tell you what an asshole I am.

I also want you to know that I really hope you like the things that are going on for you these days. Maybe it's only because you're gone now but I like to think that somehow you can see us and that you saw what we did at the crash site. I hope you appreciated us blowing up the pumpkin with fireworks and getting the cops called on us and one of your own teachers lying to help cover it up. I hope you're going to appreciate the show we're playing for you; I hope we don't accidentally play a song that you fucking hated or that you find it all incredibly lame. You probably do, but tough shit. We need to do it for us almost as much as we do for you.

I can't promise this letter is going to stay the same as it is when I post it because I know I'm gonna remember more shit that I need to say but I think this will do for the time being. For now, just know that I miss you and, more than that, how much Courtney misses you.

Rest in peace, sister.

The official list of things that piss me off.

I love complaining. I am all about complaints and the general art and science of complaining, as long as it pertains to me and no one else. I'll complain about anything at any given time until a) I get my way, which never happens; b) I get tired of complaining, which is almost always temporary; or c) I find something to complain about, which happens frequently. So given that complaining is one of my past times, it should come as no surprise as to what one of the very few functions ("function" being a loose term) of this here blog is: complaining. To that end, I give you, in no particular order, the official list of things that piss me off:

Most hip hop that comes out these days, specifically any variety of snap music; people that buy into said bullshit and drive around with it blasting out of their cars or have it as their ringtones; ringtones in general; people who can't drive or who drive like shitheads; people who can drive better than me; people who can do anything else better than me; the fact that I don't have a Mac; the fact that my mom, my girlfriend, and my best friend all have Macs; police around here; over-anxious, bored police in general; when Ben beats me in a NINJA CRISIS!!!!!!; when Courtney sticks her fingers in my butt; people who complain more than I do; people who get away with a lot more stuff than I do, have, or will; Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and every last other obnoxious publicity whore; people who are obsessed with said publicity whores and survive on Us Weekly and TMZ; people who swear more than I do; homophobes; over-the-top conservatives; over-the-top liberals; the four people left who still support Bush; people who bash Bush simply because it's cool to do; people who don't listen; cats; the fact that my dog smells horrible and still insists on trying to sleep on my bed (where only one horrible-smelling person is supposed to sleep, and that is me); closed-minded people; people who listen to shitty music; people who don't listen to music period; people who have no sense of humor or who can't appreciate my particularly warped one; girls who only go out with "cool/hot" guys who are almost always assholes and then have the audacity to bitch to me that all guys are insensitive pricks; fighting with my girlfriend; dumbasses who don't believe in global warming; assholes who won't shut the fuck up already about global warming; gas; driving (to clarify, I used to love it but now that I do nothing but it I fucking hate it); the fact that Ben didn't stay here when he moved after Katrina; Ben's steroid-enhanced muscles; people who don't like Star Wars; people who have never seen Star Wars; people who don't like Star Wars despite having never seen any of them; child molestors; when people don't come to see me play; sixteen year old kids with BMW's that their parents bought them; people that have nicer guitars than I do (which is everyone); people that won't read all of this list; people who think taking pictures equals photography or makes them photographers; people who think that because they write a bunch of bullshit separated by line breaks that it equals poetry or makes them poets; girls who have pussies that smell like turkey; a girl I know to whom the last three things I listed apply; pretentious snobs; Fox News; when I fart and no one notices; middle-aged women who watch Desperate Housewives and think it speaks to them; people who are too stupid to grasp the concept of satire; anyone that has ever woken me up, whether I needed to be woken up or not; the process of waking up in general; people who make assumptions; hypocrites; people who don't know the difference between good music/movies/whatever and music/movies/whatever that they like; when girls start talking about weight; the fact that Godzilla never visited Los Angeles; the fact that Los Angeles still hasn't broken off the continent yet; wearing pants; people who think they're hot shit and aren't; people who are hot shit but don't think they are; people who make the same face and peace sign in 20 million of the same MySpace pictures; slutty girls; people who blow me off; when I blow someone off; people who don't speak English in places where English needs to be spoken (I'm talking to you, McDonald's), people who listen to songs, but not albums; people that don't listen to Tool; people who only talk about their car; people who talk on cell phones in movies; Bible-thumpers; holes in my sock.

And the worst part is, now I feel like I've actually done something productive with my day.

FIRST

To be short and to the point: Welcome. If in the future I manage to waste your time, piss you off, offend you or enlighten you, mission accomplished.