NINJA CRISIS: The Answer To All Your Problems

There are some things in this world that don't piss me off, and one of them is my very good buddy Benjamin. Ben so happens to be my cousin, although I tend to think of him as more of a brother.

I feel it prudent to mentnion that none of this has anything to do with Ben's repeated attempts to teabag me in my sleep.

Ben and I are renowned for the stupid shit we do together, and you will hear about all of those things in due time. At length. Until you kick yourself in the eyeball. Amongst the things that we have discovered is the solution to all of life's problems, whisked away in one single moment of awesome ass-beatery. It is called

NINJA CRISIS!!!!

Simply put, a Ninja Crisis is where you and one other person go into a room, scream "NINJA CRISIS!!!!" at the top of your lungs, and beat the living shit out of each other.

Some people may compare it to sparring. Sparring is light-contact, and doesn't involve anyone getting the crap beat out of them. So it's not that. Some people may argue that it's a lot like Fight Club. I'll admit, on paper, it may seem like Fight Club, but there's some key differences. First of all, you're allowed to tell people about Ninja Crisis, whereas in the case of Fight Club this would be breaking a cardinal rule. Despite this, however, it is not a club. It must involve only two people; the people you are telling, you are instructing to try this on their own time, but never to interrupt your crisis.

The other important thing you should know is that I just lied about Ninja Crisis solving all your problems. It actually solves none of them, and more often than not, does nothing to make you feel better even in the short term, especially when you're getting your ass kicked like I usually do. Or being bitch-slapped so hard you momentarily black out, like I usually am. Or being sat on and forced to eat your cousins rotten-egg farts, like I usually am. If you're the one ruining someone's shit, I suppose it may make you feel pretty cool for the time being, but you get over that pretty quickly once you realize that you just beat the shit out of a six year old and feel like kind of an asshole. I'd say it helps build character, but it doesn't really do that either. No, Ninja Crisis is pretty much useless unless you're me or Ben, and even then, still pretty useless.

But we are still pitching the idea to the TV networks. I'll get back to you on how that turns out.